Dependent, Powerless, Weak, Drowning

"People often asked me then as they do now, 'How do you do it?' The answer has never changed and it is so simple: I don't. It's just a little bit of coffee and a whole lot of Jesus. This plan, these 'accomplishments,' they are so not my own.
     I am dependent.
     Powerless.
     Weak.
     Drowning.
While these adjectives may sound scary, they put me in a beautiful place, a place where I couldn't go one minute without crying out to my Father or I would sink."
- Katie Davis in Kisses from Katie: A Story of Relentless Love and Redemption

I wish I had read these words in the days (years) after adopting our own precious boy, Daniel. My family and I followed the call we heard and we did not doubt through the difficult two - year process. I prayed and my covenant group prayed, and 'magically' he came home to us one month before the country closed its doors to adoption. What did I do then? I gave thanks and immediately forgot that I was not the solution. In the difficult months that followed I was powerless, weak, drowning, and despondent; I felt like a failure because I took all the responsibility (and honor, and results) for myself.

When you are accustomed to control, to taking care of all of your own needs and the needs of your children, any lack or shortcoming feels like failure. I forgot that I was just a conduit, a faulty and flawed conduit, to a greater power. If the Christian language of Jesus and Father God presents an obstacle here, feel free to substitute the Creative Spirit, the One Connecting Power, Loving Mother, or other term that works; the key point is that I am not the end-all, be-all. Something more powerful is at work and can work through me if I let it, if I stay humble and ask for help, while accepting my weakness.

I struggled for years under the heavy weight of self-imposed requirements, shored up by my ego which told me over and over that not only could I do it myself, I should do it myself. My poor, misguided ego - it gets me into so  much trouble!  Finally my illness brought me to my knees in an entirely new way: powerless, weak, drowning times 10. I recalled again that I was not required to do it myself - absolutely could not do it myself. Through loving hands that helped for months, through the power of prayer groups across the country, through doctors and counselors, I finally improved. Now that I am well, will I slip again into the trap that my ego sets for me? I cannot, because truly, it's not I who does anything well, it's the power of the Great Spirit that I borrow, that will be there for me as long as I turn toward it and ask for help. Many thanks to Katie for her honest words that remind me of the truth.