A Few Words on Perfectionism

"Healthy striving is self-focused: How can I improve?  Perfectionism is other-focused: What will they think? Perfectionism is a hustle."

"Perfectionism is more about perception than internal motivation, and there is no way to control perception, no matter how much time and energy we spend trying."
- Both from Brene Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

Well, that's going on the refrigerator, was my first thought when I read the top quote. I have inspirational and instructive quotes on index cards taped to the front of my refrigerator (since the front is sadly not magnetic and the sides have no room), and I don't know if anyone but me reads them, but they will be stuck there until we move or buy a new refrigerator. I'm finding this chapter on perfectionism to be full of good quotes and painfully en pointe, and I'm wondering not only how to absorb this information for myself but convey it to the children, who have all been identified as "perfectionists."  Brown says that all humans are on the spectrum somewhere when it comes to perfectionism, but I fear that genetics and environment have given the kids an extra boost.

I can have my oldest two kiddos read the book, but I think the discussion around these ideas is most important. We need to air out the flawed idea of trying to escape blame or shame or criticism by being 'perfect' - which has the dual disadvantages of:  A. not working and B. being impossible. Then we could discuss how "perfectionism hampers achievement," (Brown again) and what that means for our lives.  Lastly, we could look at how God's instructions on how to live: they do not include the commandments "Worry about what others think" or "Live 'perfect' lives in order to escape criticism and blame." In fact, a quick glance at the Bible gives us Moses, Noah, and Jesus, who followed the will of God and ran smack into mockery, criticism, indignation and hatred.

Finally, we could talk about how despite the best words of PhD's and the Bible, it is still hard to face criticism and blame. How a 42 - year- old mom can be learning how to do this with her 8 - year - old son, and how a team effort will be required to help all of us rise above cultural norms and society's standards.