"Full Effort Is Full Victory"

Gandhi said that, and I put his words on the refrigerator to support me in efforts that seem to be failing. For example, I had to stare at them for a few minutes this morning to bolster my spirits after I once again struggled through twenty minutes of meditation. Meditation is one of the most difficult activities I have every undertaken; I would compare it with marathon training, Crossfit workouts, college examinations and getting through the evening homework grind with three children.

I have tried all manner of meditation: Christian centering prayer, yoga, walking, focus on the breath, focus on an image, and now focusing on a sacred text. I am using the Prayer of St. Francis, which I had to memorize first. One difficulty with this text is that I know the hymn by the same name from childhood, so the words dance around with the lines from the song, bowing and circling together in their own little dance in my mind. My brain itself is haughty and resentful of my attempts to tame it. It takes me off on tangents every few seconds. For example, I thought "Lord, make me an instrument of your peace," and my brain went "peace, piece, like a piece of pie I need to have tonight. Or cheesecake. I really miss cheesecake," and before I know it I am reviewing the menu of the Cheesecake Factory in my head instead of the prayer.

Yesterday morning I meditated for twenty minutes and could barely fight off sleep. Afterward, I staggered over to the couch for a quick rest  - and woke up an hour and fifteen minutes later with full sun in my eyes and Daniel playing minecraft on the computer. Seems I have a lot of work to do in this arena, but I'll keep you posted on my uneven progress.