The Fall

"No pain, no palm; no thorns, no throne; no gall, no glory; no cross, no crown."
-William Penn

You cannot avoid sin or mistake anyway (Romans 5:12), but if you try too fervently, it often creates even worse problems. Jesus loves to tell stories like that of the publican and the Pharisee (Luke 18:9-14) and the famous one about the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32), in which one character does his life totally right and is, in fact, wrong; and the other who does it totally wrong ends up God’s beloved! Now deal with that! Such a down-and-then-up perspective does not fit into our Western philosophy of progress, nor into our desire for upward mobility, nor into our religious notions of perfection or holiness. “Let’s hope it is not true, at least for me,” we all say! Yet the perennial tradition, sometimes called the wisdom tradition, says that it is and will always be true.   - Richard Rohr - Adapted from Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life,p. xx-xxi Autumn is my favorite season. This time of year shakes out its best dress and beckons you to the fire sale of all the goods your senses want to feast on: glorious colors, misty mornings, apples in season, the cool bite to the air. But the name "fall" has me thinking about other topics this year. Richard Rohr has been writing daily about the necessary fall/break/collapse that comes to each of us in our life and is required for the passage to wisdom. I struggle with that requirement  - and I usually love to fulfill requirements - and the idea that it's true makes me quite sad,  not only for myself but for everyone. Yet I wonder that the season of fall, death and decay does not strike me in the same way. I enjoy the transition time of autumn even though the death of winter is on the way, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that the wheel will turn and bring green life again. If I could just have that belief about my own life, and the others, perhaps the fall and descent through illness, pain and suffering would not seem so bad.

Example

When our older son, William, got home from school yesterday he told me his day was good, "except for one bad thing." I inquired as to the nature of this bad thing, expecting a yellow slip (late work), bad test grade, recess malfeasance, or other injury. He refused to tell me right away, and such is the busy nature of our evenings that I actually forgot about it. Right at bedtime he emerged carrying a handwritten letter. His handwriting, his wrongdoing. Apparently he had instigated some monkey-business in class, caused a ruckus, and had to sit down and write an apology.

What he did was not so bad, but what worries me is that he started the fuss because two boys were laughing and chatting loudly. "Was it about you?" I asked. He said he didn't know, though they often discuss people. Of course, my adult brain says "who cares?!" but I know as  fifth-grader in pre-adolescence, people talking can be threatening. For better or worse, William's temperament matches mine and our imaginations can run wild with our emotions following just a split-second behind. I worry, because split-second overreactions have not served me well in life, and they won't help him either.

So I sat down on his bed last night and we talked about breathing, about finding an mantra that he can repeat to himself to calm down or distract himself. These are things that I do, too, but not always successfully, especially if it's during the witching hour between dinner and bedtime or in the morning trying to get everyone (ie Daniel) out the door. So I am left with the feeling that I had better work hard to improve my command of emotions and reactions to model this for William. Kids need to develop interior strength and control to get through middle and high school, and he needs to do the emotional weight training now.

On another note, Rob heads to India tonight for ten days. It's the longest we have been apart in 15 years, so I am preparing best I can, but if you have a chance, please say a prayer for his safety and my sanity.

True Self

I found myself in Boulder this morning, peering through solid old trees at a charming cottage where I was to meet my new spiritual director. I was apprehensive and unsure of what to expect, but we had a delightful first encounter. Dominie told me that she wanted to provide a "spiritual bounce' and give me work to help develop resilience in this area, which will be valuable after the draining and unsettling events of my illness.

Within the first twenty minutes, Dominie referenced a "secret, undamaged self" which, she explained, is a nondenominational way of describing the God self, the true self or Buddha nature. The concept enchanted me; is it really possible to have a secret self, one that is teflon-coated to all my mental, physical and emotional mistakes?  As we developed this image further it only got better. The true self is vast. warm, unlimited, and it can provide the font of energy and resilience for all that we do.

Can you imagine having an unlimited source of energy that does not spring from coffee, the morning workout, lazy nap time or a charged relationship? I constantly feel that I may run out of energy for the kids, for Rob, for myself. The measuring - out of energy and calculations required to determine how to replace it are exhausting in and of themselves. The idea of having access to an unlimited supply bubbles up the same feeling delight I got when I learned a new yoga pose called "cow face,"  just a sense of 'no way, you've got to be kidding, how great is that!'

 May we all find the 'secret undamaged self' within us and let that self provide us with all that we need.

Poet's Corner

I just finished another chelation treatment so my mush-brain does not have a lot to offer. I give you instead this poetic enchantment on October, from one of my favorite poets, Robert Frost.

October

BY ROBERT FROST

O hushed October morning mild,

Thy leaves have ripened to the fall;

Tomorrow’s wind, if it be wild,

Should waste them all.

The crows above the forest call;

Tomorrow they may form and go.

O hushed October morning mild,

Begin the hours of this day slow.

Make the day seem to us less brief.

Hearts not averse to being beguiled,

Beguile us in the way you know.

Release one leaf at break of day;

At noon release another leaf;

One from our trees, one far away.

Retard the sun with gentle mist;

Enchant the land with amethyst.

Slow, slow!

For the grapes’ sake, if they were all,

Whose leaves already are burnt with frost,

Whose clustered fruit must else be lost—

For the grapes’ sake along the wall.

"Full Effort Is Full Victory"

Gandhi said that, and I put his words on the refrigerator to support me in efforts that seem to be failing. For example, I had to stare at them for a few minutes this morning to bolster my spirits after I once again struggled through twenty minutes of meditation. Meditation is one of the most difficult activities I have every undertaken; I would compare it with marathon training, Crossfit workouts, college examinations and getting through the evening homework grind with three children.

I have tried all manner of meditation: Christian centering prayer, yoga, walking, focus on the breath, focus on an image, and now focusing on a sacred text. I am using the Prayer of St. Francis, which I had to memorize first. One difficulty with this text is that I know the hymn by the same name from childhood, so the words dance around with the lines from the song, bowing and circling together in their own little dance in my mind. My brain itself is haughty and resentful of my attempts to tame it. It takes me off on tangents every few seconds. For example, I thought "Lord, make me an instrument of your peace," and my brain went "peace, piece, like a piece of pie I need to have tonight. Or cheesecake. I really miss cheesecake," and before I know it I am reviewing the menu of the Cheesecake Factory in my head instead of the prayer.

Yesterday morning I meditated for twenty minutes and could barely fight off sleep. Afterward, I staggered over to the couch for a quick rest  - and woke up an hour and fifteen minutes later with full sun in my eyes and Daniel playing minecraft on the computer. Seems I have a lot of work to do in this arena, but I'll keep you posted on my uneven progress.