Don't Wanna Be a Hero

"Let me go
I don't wanna be your hero
I don't wanna be a big man
Just wanna fight with everyone else

Your masquerade
I don't wanna be a part of your parade
Everyone deserves a chance to
Walk with everyone else"

 - Lyrics to "Hero" by Family of the Year

We all carry the weight of expectations. They were either placed on our shoulders by family, friends and society or swallowed whole and internalized. Sometimes the expectations are small and sometimes they are great. In Dickens' novel about Great Expectations, Pip's hopes and dreams, plans for himself ironically crumble into dust. I have been struggling with this same dilemma. Expectations that I have had of myself for decades are running full force into the reality of who I am now, ie recovering from a serious illness, unsure of where to aim my drive and energy, predominantly a wife and mother.

I am trying to throw off the not insubstantial weight of long-ago endorsements of "Most likely to Succeed" and current notes and emails that encourage and yet subtly add to the internal pressure with words like "you will do something great" or "you will emerge better than before." My response to this has been crystallizing in the lyrics to "Hero" by Family of the Year. I wake up many mornings with the words in my head "Let me go, I don't wanna be your hero, just wanna fight with everyone else."

In the second half of life I hear that we all struggle with the idea that we are not who we planned to be twenty years ago, freshly minted, scrubbed and degreed from an institute of higher learning. I am not even who I planned to be as a bossy big sister, leading my siblings around in games of "puppies", kick the can and Ghost in the Graveyard. Now my siblings have more abilities and social capital than I, and could probably kick my butt in any game that I suggested. 

But I still love them, they still love me, and I am still blessed with the greatest family, friends and community that exists on planet Earth. So let me go, I don't wanna be a hero, but I am privileged to fight alongside everyone else.