Don't Be so Hard On Yourself

"Don't be so hard on yourself. . . . .Don't cry. You're not alone. Don't cry tonight, my baby. Don't cry, you will always be loved."  - song lyrics to "Don't Cry" by Seal

This morning I drove up to Boulder to meet with my wonderful spiritual director. A herd of five deer greeted me with cool stares as I drove up to her little office in the foothills. With a brisk wind blowing and warm tea in my hands I felt ready to be directed, but I should have been more wary, for truth hurts. We began by talking about some challenges that the children are experiencing, and how they can be so hard on themselves. Guilt stirred in me as I talked to Dominie about these precious little people, because undoubtedly I model self-judgment and harshness, when what I need to model is self-kindness, self-compassion.

It's hard to model what you haven't learned, and so self-compassion is a focus of my work. Dominie explained that all humans need and desire love above all else, and our fears around this need center on three thoughts: 1. I'm too much 2. I'm not enough 3. I don't belong. We can have all three thoughts but we usually fix on one in particular. My central thought is easily behind door #2. In fact, I have a post-it note on the bathroom mirror that says "I AM enough," which hasn't done much to help me, other than identify the problem. So now I'm highly motivated to learn how to bathe in the warmth and openness of self-love, how to fully accept and trust in the love and compassion of God and of other people. My goal is to model this for Aden, William and Daniel, to spare them from carrying my burdens. If you are also interested, here is a book recommendation: True Refuge, by Tara Brach. As we read, remember, don't be so hard on yourself. I'll try to do the same.