Recent Funnies

Several interactions have tickled my funny bone in recent weeks and I wanted to record a bit of self-deprecating humor here for your Monday enjoyment.

1. Upon wearing a nightshirt to bed in place of boxer shorts and a t-shirt, Daniel fixed me with narrowed eyes. "Are you going to have another kid?" he asked, eyeing the loose fabric around my middle. What I thought: God forbid! What I said, "Oh no, honey, these are just new pajamas." The kid is worse than TMZ!

2. Upon visiting a new acupuncture specialist and Chinese medicine doctor, who assessed my tongue, muscle-tested my addiction to sugar, and flipped me face-down for a therapeutic treatment: "I'm going to leave now for twenty-nine  minutes. I would tell you to keep your mind blank, but I know that you won't. I know that you will instantly jump to your schedule for Saturday and run through the to - do list, fixating on what can't be done. So instead, I'm going to have you count to ten, over and over again until I return. Here's a panic button in case you need to get up."  
     And he doesn't even know me! Is every woman in the United States in frenzied May-hem mode or is my racing mind and elevated heart rate just a dead-giveaway for a reforming type A personality? And a panic button - sheesh. I've only needed that once before . . . .

3. Upon visiting the chiropractor (yes, I need a lot of help) and talking again about the chocolate addiction: "You don't have to give it up cold turkey. You could just have it one day a week. Or you could just do what my wife does and have four chocolate chips per night. There isn't too much sugar in four chocolate chips."
     FOUR chocolate chips?!  Who on earth can stop at four? And just one day per week? How about forty chips every other day? Or just forgetting about it entirely and staying on the 3 oz / day schedule?  He definitely does not know me - a woman who cleans the kitchen floor and table with lysol wipes, but who regards pieces of old chocolate found on those surfaces as buried treasure. Just this morning I ate an old sliver of peanut butter cup found in the grout between our kitchen counter tiles. Four days old, but DEEE-licious.

Time to go make a gluten-free, dairy-free cake for William's birthday. My little football baby is twelve years old today, strong and healthy and happy and loved - thank God. Can't wait to celebrate with him and the rest of the family tonight - and don't tell, but I just might have more than four crumbs of cake.