The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Here's the good news: after an excruciating eight-week trial of a med that did not work for me, I finally got to see an expert, change meds, and see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. For the preceding two months, including the darkest two weeks of the year which painfully surrounded the Christmas and New Year's holidays, there was no light for me except the glow reflected off my children's faces.

By the grace of God and friends and family, Aden, William and Daniel had full stockings, wrapped presents from Santa and relatives, and a chance to go to sing Silent Night by candlelight at our church.  I got to play around of "The Game of Life" with Aden and William on Christmas morning, and after that spent most of my days in bed or on the couch with the ice pack(s) on my head. When I thought the future was dim, and the three doctors Rob and I saw for pain management had no useful suggestions for us, scenes from my life did actually start playing like an old and badly organized slideshow in my head.  It wasn't one of those sudden things where your whole life flashes before you, but some moment of pain or comfort would trigger a memory of all that was good in life.

Such scenes included the fab dance party with my extended family and kids in our rental house at Cape Cod (any dance party, really), laughing madly with joy as Aden and William took their first faltering steps in our rental house in California, meeting Daniel and watching him dance his own peculiar jig in the Museum outside of Guatemala city.  I recalled hikes with amazing friends in the mountains of Colorado, kids splashing in waterfalls, and good dinners and adult beverages after to celebrate. I saw Aden splashing in the Pacific ocean while Karen and I watched her great glee, Rob and I camping in Yosemite, his proposal to me on Mt. Washington, our wedding, our first moments with the babies, any family reunion that ever occurred.

Guess what I didn't see? Any image that involved work or a paycheck. Any race or workout, any prize or recognition. Any time my writing has been published (few as those occasions have been).  It gives a girl a lot to ponder, especially when said girl has never felt like enough, has never felt that a life without achievement would be a worthwhile tenure on earth. I've got a lot to say about the journey of the past seven months, and I have decided to put it out there - or here - since this blog is my vehicle. I don't know if this will be chronological or helter-skelter, but hang in with me. Your love and support fuels my desire to get better, be stronger, and add more joyous moments to my time on earth.