Turning 40

I rounded the corner of the sushi restaurant last Friday and ran into that mingled best-case / worst-case scenario; a table full of smiling faces, each one accompanied by a drink and balloon (a special "Forty! Forty!Forty!" balloon over one conspicuously empty chair) and a surprise rendition of Happy Birthday in front of the completely full restaurant. Actually, I can't remember if they sang or just said "surprise" because at that moment I was a little lost in the fog of anxiety that hits whenever I am the center of attention. Later someone asked if I had truly been surprised, because my reaction was a bit "demure." I assured her that I was completely shocked and the correct description of my response would probably be "deer in the headlights."

I had thought I was going to dinner with one amazing friend, a happy occasion in itself, but ended up dining with ten additional thoughtful, joyful and sneaky pals, all of whom were happy to usher me into a new and slightly scary decade. After a rousing dinner conversation, several shots, and a delicious gluten - free cupcake, a subset of our group headed out dancing. I was thankful for my short-sleeved shirt and for the long jeans which hid my cotton tie-dye socks. I admit to only a faint knowledge of 21st-century dance music, but we were the lucky beneficiaries of a DJ who played Bon Jovi, Journey and AC/DC along with Rihanna, Usher, and Gaga.


Grateful for the ankle strength to bend and twist (a little) on the dance floor, and for the amazing friends and family in my life, I think I have finally finished mourning my spent early decades. One high school friend called the big 4 - 0 "the end of the beginning," and in fact, it feels a bit like that. In reading Ron Rolheiser's book The Holy Longing ( http://www.amazon.com/Holy-Longing-Search-Christian-Spirituality/dp/0385494181)I came across a statement by Alice Miller from her essay "The Drama of the Gifted Child." She says that we are all gifted children, and that it's only at mid-life that we realize, "What we have dreamed for our lives can never be. Thus we have a choice: We can spend the rest of our lives angry, trying to protect ourselves against something that has already happened to us, death and unfairness, or we can grieve our losses, abuses and deaths and, through that, eventually attain the joy and delights that are in fact possible for us."

I don't have too many losses, abuses or deaths to grieve at this point in my life, more the knowledge that the second half of life is sure to include more of these. I do have some dreams to let go of and mourn. I'm not published, I didn't/don't have the patience and wherewithal to raise the fourth child that I always imagined for our family, and I'm a far-from-perfect mother to the three amazing kids that I have. But I did feel validated by Miller's statement, and I have taken some time to recognize these losses - real or perceived - and mourn them for a while. Then, when an amazing evening like Friday's surprise party came along, I had plenty of space to fill with love, gratitude, and recognition of my blessings. Many thanks to my friends, husband, children, parents, brothers and sisters for helping me achieve the dreams that I have achieved and for supporting me with joy and hope in the coming new decade. I'll be ready for that big FIFTY balloon in about ten years. . . .