Unexplored Territory

“Fear grows out of the things we think; it lives in our minds. Compassion grows out of the things we are, and lives in our hearts.” – Barbara Garrison

I’ve been thinking a lot about fears and happiness in the past few days. I read Mary Karr’s excellent memoir Lit, which discusses her journey through alcoholism and depression into happiness (http://www.amazon.com/Lit-Memoir-Mary-Karr/dp/0060596988). Then Dr. Richard Friedman’s article in the New York Times spoke to me with this title: “Looking Within for Happiness? It May Not Be There” (http://www.denverpost.com/search/ci_17170656#ixzz1Bz9s4VaA) The authors share a theme: get out of your own head and pay attention to how you feel. Easier said than done, of course, especially when your mental hideout is well-furnished and extremely comfortable.

My mental residence is cozy and well-worn. There are skid marks on the floor from frantic thought processing or rapid turnarounds, and two cushy armchairs labeled “what next?” and “what if?” sit right in front of the screen where I replay events of yesterday or screen possible tomorrows. The air is a bit stale as the windows have jammed and not a lot of fresh breezes get inside, but it is warm up there. Asking me to move out of my head is like asking me to go abroad for a year in a dangerous place. Taking up residence with my feelings and emotions is like trekking off to Siberia without an overcoat – or Death Valley without a shade umbrella.

I can’t get away from the signposts that keep littering up my literature, however. They all more or less point to the same three objectives:

1. Give up the illusion of control. Acknowledge a higher presence and spend time listening to it.
2. Practice gratitude often and at length.
3. When you hear direction from the higher presence or your own inner voice, act on it.

These practices look different for different people though most also add the element of community support to their list. As I re-read the list, I definitely agree with the practice of gratitude; as soon as I spend any time focusing on my blessings I really do feel much better and the emotion seems to spring from my insides – largely unexplored territory but fortunately still functioning. My children have broken me from my illusion of control, but I continue to plan, list, calendar and organize as if my powers are intact. Meditation and quiet remain lofty goals that I practice only once a week if I am lucky, but I am less likely to pooh-pooh them than I used to be, especially since a friend told me that napping during meditation was perfectly legitimate.

So I’ll sign off writing today, as it’s time to turn off my brain and sit with my emotions. I don’t know what I’ll find in this new territory but I’m feeling brave today. Wish me luck.