Family Moab

Family Moab
In Arches National Park

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Prepare ye the way, or prepare ye the child?

“Do not prepare the path for your child, prepare your child for the path.”

My sister read me this quote from her co-worker’s bulletin board. They are fourth-grade teachers, and it is not surprising that I found the advice relevant since I am newly the parent of a proud fourth-grader. It dawned on me recently that my daughter has only two years left before she has to take the bus over to middle school, and her father and I decided that a little responsibility and independence would come in handy. The prime example of this would be asking the two older children to walk home from school, as their final bell rings very shortly after their little brother’s preschool gets out, and it makes life much easier if we can all meet at home instead of at the elementary school playground, as we did last year.

The children love to walk. The weather thus far has been beautiful; many friends, parents of friends, and neighbors line their path, and they only have to cross two streets on the way home – neither major. I started walking to and from school when I was in kindergarten, and my route was about twice as long as my children’s. Many of my friends had the same experience growing up, and many of these same individuals have to pick their jaws up off the floor when I tell them my second and fourth graders are now ambulatory and solo after the final bell.

As one perceptive individual stated, “My first reaction is to say that the world is different now . . . but really it isn’t. It may even be safer.” It’s common knowledge to any parent that the media preys on our fears with countless stories of abducted or terrorized children, but if we can step back out of the frenzy we realize that the children do have to grow up and they have to learn the skills that will make them strong and independent. I have taught the children about cars, crazy drivers, driveways, not to talk to strangers, what type of person to go to if they need help, etc. I keep my cell phone on me during their walk home in case a friend needs to get in touch with me (the children do not have a cell phone yet). I am definitely a product of the age, but I tell you what scares me more than hypothetical bogeyman on a sunny walk home is the specter of pre-teen and teenage boys sexually harassing my daughter on the bus on the way to school. I have multiple firsthand accounts of this type of danger, and the only way for me to combat that is to create a strong, independent, and confident child (who will report such behavior to any responsible adult in power and be able to keep her father from beating up the offending children.)

As I scribbled the notes for this blog entry in Starbucks yesterday, I stared across the aisle at two young moms who supposedly met to chat, but whose true focus stayed on the two car-seated babies next to them. The babies were young, round, darling, with lopsided figure-eight yawns and dimpled toes. They drew their mom’s gaze like a magnet, and every movement precipitated a helpful response. I remember those days so vividly; the children’s dependence was overwhelming and total. It was hard to envision a night when they would be able to go eight hours without eating, or a day without diapers, let alone an entire seven hour period when they could navigate academics, social pitfalls and travel without your influence. The baby / mom quartet across from me brought home the difficulty of letting go. . . .we bond so tightly in the beginning by having to anticipate and fulfill their every need, and already (not a decade later!) they want us to step away.

But step away we must, for the path takes them in new directions, and we cannot make the way smooth, at least not forever. Better to give them some navigational tools and provisions, and get ready to welcome them home.

5 comments:

  1. oh. must must catch up here. quickly, though - when i was 4 months pregnant and walking in the mountains it came to me:
    "yer job is not to shape yer child but provide them with the room to reach and grow".
    much love,
    k

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  2. A quick follow-up: there was a front-page article in the Denver Post Monday about children who successfully fought off would-be abductors. The article notes that these attempts (by strangers) are quite rare, but that in the vast majority of cases children escaped due to their own efforts and ingenuity, not because of assistance from an adult. Here is the link: http://extras.mnginteractive.com/live/media/site36/2010/0906/20100906_121954_MDA-1-20100906-ROCKY.pdf. The article is entitled, "Most kids who avert abductors fight back." We went over the 'fighting back' techniques with our kids last night at the dinner table and told them how kids can be tough, successful, and strong.

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  3. I (again!) so agree with you, Laura. The amount of fear expressed (and shared with their kids) by moms about simple things (like a short walk from school) staggers me. A mom whose daughter was in my Girl Scout troop insisted her daughter carry a cell phone (in fifth or sixth grade?) on our trip to Savannah because "she can call for help if someone grabs her." (I was attempting to enforce a "leave your cell phones at home" rule for this three-day trip. No luck.)

    I think some of the issue is that it's easier to pin your fears on something you can control (never let your kid walk alone) than face fears which are out of your control. (While I haven't heard of sexual harrassment on the school buses here, there's for sure horrible bullying that goes on as well as terrible language and inappropriate sexual references.)

    I'll never forget the feelings of freedom and independence I had when as an elementary school child I would pack a lunch, ride my bike to some nearby woods on weekends, and spend the day crossing the stream on logs, observing chipmunks, building "fairy houses", etc. Sadly, there isn't a place like that in any of the towns where my kids have grown up, and they have also never seemed to want to get on their bikes and go off on their own.

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  4. Betsy - I love hearing from you! Thank you so much for commenting. When you wrote "It's easier to pin your fears on something you can control" I immediately felt my gut clench in agreement. The problem with that approach is that we are not truly in control of anything - certainly less and less of our children's lives as they grow up. I feel like the sooner I face that reality, the better.

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  5. An appropriate article on NPR - 5 Worries Parents Should Drop, And 5 They Shouldn't
    http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=129531631&sc=emaf

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