The Non-Writing Life

Last week I organized the files on my computer for the first time in fifteen years. I am not kidding; though I have had three or four different computers in that timeframe, I just transferred massive amounts of files from one to another. It took hours to read through and delete outdated lesson plans, Christmas letters, and swimming workouts, but in the process of cleansing I found some personal treasures - journals of my first pregnancy. My face burned and my gut clenched with some remembered emotion as I read through the months leading up to Aden's birth.

One bittersweet note was the number of references I made to writing, to hopes for editing and freelancing jobs, to classes taken and books purchased (last week I also had to throw out the 1996 and 1997 Writer's Markets since both are obviously outdated, pre-twitter, pre-everything). Here is one note I made to myself from February of 2001;

"I got really busy with school and two coaching jobs sometime after my last entry and have not had time or extra energy for writing, just for emails and checking the pregnancy websites J However – I got a letter from a friend asking to exchange some writing material for critiquing purposes. I’m intrigued by the suggestion and asked her for an “assignment” to complete since I don’t have any other writing to give her! Definitely need to keep in practice."

I was often "intrigued" and given to exhortations to "keep practicing."  I made other references to writing up to August, and then - after a detailed description of Aden's birth - everything stops for ten years.  While this decade of delay is not uncommon after women have children (see Meg Wolitzer's The Ten Year Nap link), I felt constricted and teary at the thought of so many false starts and delays.There's no doubt that - while motherhood pushed everything else out of the way - it has also provided deep and lasting topics for writing and discussion, which are 'intriguing.'  Now I just have to "keep practicing!" and finally make that dream happen.