Shameful

Shame - (n) a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety. - Merriam - Webster

I had a few "hunh??!" reactions to my last post so felt the need to clarify. In the conversation where I let myself vent and get judgmental, the topic at hand was adult behavior at school that had shamed students. I react strongly to these behaviors because 'shame' is a buzzword for me and for my personality style (enneagram type 3, if anyone is checking). At a retreat I attended during my first year of training for spiritual direction, the Sisters sent all of us 3's to a table where a piece of computer paper was turned upside-down. When they gave the instruction to reveal the word or phrase on the underside of the paper, I turned ours over to see the word 'shame.' I'll never forget the leap taken by my heart rate, or the blood that raced to my cheeks. I actually reached over and turned it back upside down with trembling fingers.  Other groups had different words that triggered them, but I can't remember anything except 'shame.'

I have only vague suspicions about the circumstances that led me to feel so ashamed or guilty about my shortcomings. One aspect of my childhood that led to shame was the Catholic Church and the traditional catechism I received. I felt extremely conscious of all my ill-conceived acts and deeds as a child, and though I successfully hid many of them, my guilt and shame grew in proportion to the cover-up. As an oldest child with my personality type, the feeling rarely went away completely. The instruction I had as a six and seven-year-old hide inside me to this day, and I still feel that "painful emotion" whenever I screw up.

And I do screw up. I have no right to judge another person's behavior, though I am emphatically against shaming children. When it is done in public it is even more reprehensible. As I am finding in the midst of my mid-life crisis, emotions and situations that scar us as children inevitably mold us through life. I don't feel that shame is necessarily helpful, though I pulled the definition from an editorial in this morning's paper which discussed Anthony Weiner's behavior, and begged him to get acquainted with the feeling of shame. The author, Leonard Pitts, Jr of The Miami Herald, said " It gets a bad rap but a little shame is a good thing now and again. It will keep you from making an ass of yourself. Or, if you already have, it'll keep you from repeating the mistake."  Maybe that is true for adults, but let's keep our shaming mitts off the kids. Life is hard enough for most of us without that extra painful jab; with the exception of Anthony Weiner we already know when we've made an ass of ourselves.