Closer to Fine

"I'm trying to tell you something about my life

Maybe give me insight between black and white
The best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all
Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I'm crawling on your shore. 

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine. "

- Closer to Fine, Songwriters: RAY, AMY ELIZABETH / SALIERS, EMILY ANN

Last night I glimpsed a photo on our eternally shifting photo frame. It was of me on the floor with the kids, smiling. The thought flashed through my mind "I was close to fine then."  About to dip into the bath of guilt for at least the millionth time for my role in sliding into illness, I was brought up short by the phrase "close to fine." Talk about damning with faint praise!  I see clearly now that although I was healthy in the last four or five years, I was not exactly fine. Maybe not even close. 

Of course this song by the Indigo Girls was a quick association. I understand the lyrics in a new way now. When I was in college listening to this tune I couldn't understand why anyone needed to be closer to "fine"? How about fantastic? Way  above average? Tripping out? I've always liked the song, but didn't get it.  Now I know that fine can be great. Fine can be peaceful, content, happy, rolling on the floor with your kids or having tea with friends. Because truly darkness does have a hunger that is insatiable, and lightness a call that's hard to hear. I've wrapped fear around me like a big old blanket many times in the last year, and sank my own ship with the weight of my own darkness, even as I tried to out-sail it.

I've been to countless doctors, read countless books and internet sites, ingested meds and supplements and changed diets. I've been on my knees over and over, and that is the only thing that has the potential to move me. There are many answers to lie's big questions and no definitive source for the answers except in whatever we understand to be our higher power. I'm trying to take myself less seriously, to feel the oneness between all of us, to fine the creative, playful, energy that can unite us with all living things. The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine. And that is good.