Family Moab

Family Moab
In Arches National Park

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Summer Break

‘God breaks the heart again and again until it stays open.’ -Rainer Maria Rilke

I just finished my first year in the Benet Hill Spiritual Formation program. What a gift this year has been, and what a difficult journey. In the one-page summary I turned in for my end-of-year conference I had to answer this question: how have you changed? The space to reply was small and I laughed. How have I not changed? might be the better question.

To sum things up I could say that I have learned the truth – or many truths – about myself. About who I really am, about the strategies I use to get by in the world, about how I was wounded and healed as a child. I discovered gaps in my parenting, my relationship-building, and of course in my spirituality. Little by little I struggled to close those gaps, to move from reacting in fear to responding in love. It’s the long, steady work of forever, but it seems to be the best work I can do. And . . .I was privileged and honored to hear my classmate’s truths and their amazing stories. We were strangers at the first class last September, and now share an amazing bond, a willingness to expose our vulnerabilities and an appreciation of each other’s strength and ability to love.

Was my heart broken? Oh, yes. To share in someone’s deep pain – the illness of a loved one, the end of a relationship, a spiritual dark night of the soul – guarantees a period of broken-heartedness. I even think that now, it might stay open. At least, as Sr Marilyn might say, “the door is ajar.” So now our summer break. The respite comes as a relief, though I have four or five books to read and meditation to continue, if I can maintain some sanity and moments of alone-ness in the craziness of the children’s summer vacation. But I have a new self, a new mind (a beginner’s mind) and I hope that this summer will be another new journey. “I give up what I thought I knew. I don’t expect to ever again feel secured by intellectual confidence. But I find life much more interesting now, living with not knowing, trying to stay curious rather than certain.” - Margaret Wheatley

2 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing YOUR journey with me! I'll miss you this summer. See you soon! <3

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  2. I will miss you, too! Take care of yourself and stay well on your path.

    ReplyDelete