Are You Very Special?

“Like all of us, Carter is addicted to the theory that we progress by stressing our virtues rather than by dwelling on failures; this is the major theme of his campaign speeches. There’s undoubtedly some merit to this approach, but it seems to me that it excludes serious learning from past error.” -Robert Scheer on Jimmy Carter as quoted in “Human Failing and Easter Grace” by Cathleen Falsani, Sojourners Magazine, April 2010

Last week my mother attended the children’s music class with me, a double treat as we were able to share their musical progress and bump up our adult:child ratio to a 1:1 dynamic. The children in the class sing an echo song with their teacher; she will sing “Are you very special?” and they (melodically) reply, “Yes, I’m very special.” When my mother heard that she turned to me and pointed emphatically in my direction, “YOU are very special,” she whispered, which quickly reduced me to tears. Granted, exhaustion had some role in generating my emotion but it was also motivated by gratitude for her recognition and support.

I have in common with many close friends the predilection for remembering only my failures, for focusing on my lapses in patience, and lasering in on my detours from the path of ever-loving parent. Over the last few weeks as I battled the children’s illness I also found myself battling frustration and impatience and then feeling disappointment and dejection that I could not handle these hurdles with grace and recognition of my overall good fortune. Though I do believe the children are wonderful (not perfect, of course, but terrific kids) I cannot take credit for their innate goodness, merely for the insecurities, weaknesses and meltdowns that I feel I should be able to control.

My mom was horrified when we discussed this situation last week, and rushed to reassure me about my fitness as a mom, ready to list a hundred good qualities for every negative I mentioned. How valuable that is as a parent – to get support and recognition of the things you do right! Unfortunately, it is also rare. I find that constantly beating myself up and focusing on my negative attributes does not lead to a positive shift in the mood of the house. Though I certainly know what I need to correct, I create an atmosphere of negativity and frustration rather than an atmosphere of relaxation and joy. When I saw the quote above, I took issue with it. I still take issue with it: most women I know do not stress their virtues but instead focus on their failures. Is this a gender difference or a difference between politicians and voters?

Of course, as with anything in life, a balanced approach would be best. We need to be aware of our failures so that we can learn from them and progress toward our better selves. However, we also need to work from our strengths, using our positive energy to generate momentum and atmosphere. In this we need loved ones – friends and family – to remind us that we are ‘very special’ and that our efforts are unique and valuable. By employing our talents (after remembering that we have some!) we can do good things and feel better about ourselves. As many of us know from weight loss and exercise efforts, you can’t do your best when you feel down on yourself – you operate best from a position of strength and self-worth. I’ll be searching for that vantage point today . . .and calling my mom for an occasional reminder!