Veritas

"For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord,
Plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you
A future with hope."
- Jeremiah 29:11

Twenty years ago this month I left Harvard University carrying the slight weight of a framed diploma and the gargantuan weight of expectations. A minnow in the pond with great white sharks, I had struggled with identity for the entire four years of my education, having lost a sense of innocence and wholeness the day I stepped through the gates to the Yard and found myself marooned in a sea of busy humanity, whose brains and ambitions and schedules hardly paused for social interaction.

Despite the crazy pace of life I had found amazing friends whose hearts were as open as their intelligence was broad. I cried to leave them but felt free when I thought of pursuing life away from the University, away from the smog of power, influence and money that clouded my sight. Moving to San Francisco may have freed me geographically but my choice to pursue a business career shows the influence of classmates, professors and advisors. Little did I know that I was not escaping the expectations and ideals of my college campus, but merely circling them in slightly wider circumference as the years went on, tethered to a pivot point of "should."

I should make a good salary; I should pursue a title, I should go to graduate school, I should publish a book (or two, or five!) - the list of shoulds was endless. And yet, I felt no inner drive to accomplish any of these things. My life goals, had I admitted them to myself, were the same as they were when I was a child of eleven - to be a teacher, to write for fun, and to have children. I realized this week, for the first time, that I am still tethered to the shoulds of my undergraduate years. They are reinforced whenever I receive the alumni magazine, or hear through the grapevine of classmates' magnificent accomplishments. But I know now that I am the one holding the string. Harvard is not holding onto me - it has absolutely forgotten my existence. I am the one with shoulds in my grasp. All I have to do in order to follow my own unique and perfect path, is to open my fist, stretch out my fingers, and just . . .let . . . go.