Family Moab

Family Moab
In Arches National Park

Friday, May 11, 2012

"When we stand before reality preoccupied with ourselves we will see precious little of what is actually there to be seen."
 - Ronald Rolheiser, The Shattered Lantern: Rediscovering a Felt Presence of God, p 34.

My Benet Hill course paused two weeks ago for summer break and I am just now catching up on my reading. I tackled Rolheiser's book first, and have found it about as comfortable as a paper cut. A growing sense of discomfort bothered me this spring, and I think Rolheiser sliced right to the heart of the issue; with a year of introspection and self-healing behind me, I have grown in knowledge and compassion but a healthy chunk of reality passed me by.

Point A: I realized over the weekend that I have not seen my amazing sister since last August. We have plans to be together in July, but that is a full year of absence. Despite (or because of) a good catch-up phone conversation, I feel a sense of loss that twelve months escaped us without time together. We have both been extremely busy, but how could I have let this happen?  Along the same lines, I haven't seen my parents since Thanksgiving, and will have to wait until July to be with them, as well. That is far too long; despite all of the good reasons for our absence (finances, surgeries, work schedules, etc), life is too short and loved ones too precious to spend so much time apart.

Point B: Our daughter and oldest child is headed to middle school next year. She 'graduates' from elementary school in less than a month. Have I been fully present to her unbelievable growth and development? Have I cherished every moment of the childhood that is rapidly receding? Emotionally, I struggle to let her go into the maelstrom of hormones and havoc that is junior high school. To move from the mother of a helpless, colicky infant to the mother of a "tween" is rough work in the short span of a decade.

Point C: What service have I done for those in the margins: the poor, sick, orphaned, widowed, alone? I have worked hard on serving my family, friends, and community groups but I have side-stepped the gospel imperative for a time. I feel this absence not only as a sense of guilt but as a sense of loss.

It's time to sharpen my focus on reality. Contemplation is always good but a preoccupation with myself - even if it centers on spiritual development - threatens to drown my sense of the world and my connections with others. I want to see all that can be seen.

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